What is the point of writing, if the title is pointless matters?  Pointless matters, is my way of exploring, it is a title that gives me permission to write aimlessly.  The reasons are unclear to me at the moment.  I confess I am currently feeling a little muddled.  I do know, however, that I did want to write all day.  I have spent my day, so far, trying to take care of things that I feel are significant.  I have had a nap because I am not physically feeling well today, I’ve cooked, cleaned, washed, and I’ve tried to meet my son’s needs.  I know this is important to me, and so I do it.  There are always reasons why I do things, even if I do not see the point in them.  I do the best I can with what I have at the moment.

I believe that is why it was so important to me to write this right now.  To just be in the moment.  As I was taking care of “things” today, I was writing in my head.  I was content that I was doing what needed to be done.  I was writing funny, clever things, I was amusing even to myself.  I was exploring pointless matters in my head and there was a point to them.  I’m not sure what it is right now, because at the moment, I am feeling very tired.  Not discontented exactly, but I seem to run out of steam.  Perhaps that is because I have been so busy in my mind lately.  Perhaps that is because my body is fighting off something.  Perhaps that’s because I am afraid of being content. 

I do know that I am afraid of many things.  Some of the things that frighten me are troubling because I cannot pinpoint why.  Other times, I am very aware, full of excitement and energy.  That is life, it is never still, if it were a flat-line it would be death, I think.  The thing is, I feel I have more questions then answers.  Just when I get it right, or think I may have it right, it changes.  Time changes.  If I do not write about pointless matters then I will not be able to find the points that do matter.

So what are pointless matters?  I’m not sure I know.  I do know that it seems to be the opposite of things that have a point. I do know that a point can be a message, or something like the tip of a sharp needle.  A focus point.  A thing that guides can guide me to the answer.  I have a personal theory I am experimenting with.  I keep asking myself why.  So far, doing this has been very enlightening, though at the moment, I’ve lost the purpose of it.  Matters are things that are important.  Matter can also be neurons, electrons, protons, organisms, I think, if I am recalling some of my science properly.  Without giving myself permission to explore pointless matters.  I would get hung up on the thoughts themselves.  I would right now be finding the proper definition of matter, from a dictionary, textbook, or encyclopedia.  Doing that would take me away from my writing.  I have previously determined that it is important for me to write.  Knowing that, believing that, is why I am exploring right now.

I have recently been playing word games with myself.  I have discovered a circular pattern in my thinking.  I was never aware it was there before.  There may be a reason for that.  I think of a circle as round.  Never-ending.  It reminds me of rings, wedding rings and marriage.  It reminds me of the song “the circle of life”.  I am alive.  Perhaps that is the point of this.  I still do not know.

I am distracted by my son.  Sometimes distractions are important.  They change our focus, which can point us in a new direction.  Is it important for me to spend time with my son, absolutely, and so I will, in just a few minutes.  That is not a life or death decision at the moment; he is fine, if not entirely content.  I will see what I can do to help him feel more content soon.  I am his mother that is what I do.  I try to help him as best as I can.  I also know that I cannot help him as well, if I am not content myself.  I feel content when I am writing.  I feel I am discovering important parts of myself through the process.  I cannot spend every moment of my day writing though because other things need to be done.  I am not sure that I prioritize well, but I am trying.  I know that I have obligations and commitments; I am trying to meet those also.

I think there may always be a point, even when we do not see it.  Sometimes, I know, it helps to ask why.  If I do not capture this moment, I will not be able to capture it, to discover the “why”.  Y is often represents an unknown quantity in math.  Math and science use formulas.  Formulas and math are explained in texts.  I know texts are a way of communicating knowledge.  I am always trying to gain knowledge.  I don’t know if I will gain any from this text, but that is the point in exploring.

My next challenge will be to actually post this.  I believe I can do that, since I’ve done it before.  The challenge for me is to not edit it, to avoid the temptation of fixing the words and the structure in an effort to make it more readable.  I know when I do so, my message gets skewed.  Having said that, I feel I need to just go with my gut on this and post it now before I give it further thought.  Otherwise, the moment will change, and the message might too.

P.S.  I am posting this without editing it. Bravo Ruth!