The title pretty much says it all as far as why I have not posted anything new for the last 11 months. I have put off writing this post long enough and it’s time for me to get back into posting more regularly.

In February this year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer as my brother and I sat holding hands in a sterile room with a doctor I had never met. My story isn’t a lot different than any other cancer story other than my own unique view of events as they unfolded around me. I have always intended to write about my personal experience with cancer but now I find it harder than I expected. Where to begin? I suppose at the beginning, but when did it all really begin? Hindsight is a wonderful thing after-the-fact. Unfortunately, hindsight is of little help when you’re in the throws of events seemingly beyond your control.

I knew in November last year that I had a serious physical problem. I did what I usually do, hoped it would go away instead of seeking medical help right away. I am like many other self-employed Americans, I do not have health insurance nor could I afford to see a doctor, so I stewed and fretted about what to do and how to do it. No one knew I was having a problem, no one. I kept telling myself that I needed to know what the problem was before telling my family. Hindsight has shown me that I wasted a lot of time and effort by not seeking help and not telling my family right away.

I live in a small desert community without a free or low-income clinic. My only option was to go to the county hospital 100 miles away. I had heard many horror stories about the county hospital but I had to put them out of my mind because getting no help was worse than taking my chances at the county hospital. I decided to go to my cousin Danny’s home the day after Christmas. He lives 50 miles north of Bakersfield where the county hospital is located. My reasoning was that it was 50 miles closer and I could get to the hospital early the next day. I told my cousin and his wife that I had a doctor’s appointment the next day in Bakersfield without giving them any of the details. Thankfully, they didn’t ask for more information, especially since I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment. The county hospital works on a referral program and the only way I could get referred to a doctor was to go to the emergency room, see a doctor there, who would then give me the referral. I had no idea of the obstacles I would have to traverse before I could actually see a doctor.

To be continued ….

As 2006 comes to an end and 2007 is on our doorsteps, I wanted to take a moment to send out a good wish of fortunate circumstances for anyone who happens to read this.  My 2006 started out somewhat hopeful but realistically I didn’t expect anything “big” to occur; I simply wasn’t in the right frame of mind, my health though improving was not yet what it should be at that time.

Now, one year later, I can say with conviction that 2007 is meant to be a fantastic year for me.  I am so much better health-wise and my mind has cleared up to a degree I never dreamed was even possible.  The biggest changes of all are that I know now some very important word definitions which I needed to apply in my life; writing for Wild Mind was a very big part of that process but beginning to build a friendship with a wonderful woman named Gloria was the spark that helped to ignite it all.  I am now so full of life and energy.  I am constantly writing and surrounding myself with wonderful people and ideas.  I wanted to take this moment to share my joy and my wonderful not-so-new secret.  With real trust and faith anything is possible.

Faith was sorely lacking in my life, during my years of depression and rehabilitation, I had the hope and memory of faith but I couldn’t seem to grab hold of it and claim it for my own.  I couldn’t own it because I never thought I mattered enough, I didn’t love myself enough and so loving and kind as I might be, I could never truly share myself with anyone completely.

2006 has changed this part of me, 2007 is the start of a true and wonderful adventure in the life I now claim as my own.  I am living my dreams and actively pursuing my hearts’ desire.  Certainly everything hasn’t suddenly come up roses, I still have many struggles and I don’t suddenly have all the answers to the riddles of the universe.  I do however have confidence in the steps I take, I know I am making wise, healthy and balanced decisions; I know I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am on my way to meeting the destiny that was meant to be mine.

The other day I submitted a short story for our annual local newspaper contest; I may be surprised if they choose my story or I may be surprised that they don’t but I have no doubt that by the time they publish the results of the winners of that contest in July (around my fortieth birthday) we will be half way through the year 2007 and I will have had successes greater than one simple contest could bring.  Still I am hopeful that my entry might do well as some of the prizes are pretty remarkable and to be published locally would be a real feather in my cap.  Having said that, I am still working on a novel in progress and plan on sending out a query letter this week to a publisher that might have an interest in it.  Additionally, I have several short stories and narratives that I just need to sit down and write in order to send them out as manuscripts; the only thing that has held me back on this is that the ideas have had to be put on hold over this holiday time where most of my hours have been taken up with family functions, church celebrations, and time with new and old friends.

Recently I have been busier than I have ever been in my whole life.  I have honestly never been this content, happy or fulfilled.  I wish everyone could have just a portion of the joy that I am currently feeling.  My heartfelt wishes of love, peace, and health to all for 2007.

There are seasons for everything, just as there are reasons for everything.  I’ve come to the recent conclusion that all questions are important but that probably the most valuable one of all is “why”.   In posting here on pointless matters, questionable beauty, purpose, definition, and commitment, an element that I’ve probably alluded to many times in some way or another is that all of these items are personal in nature; they have meaning specific to the author and perhaps another meaning specific to the reader.  I am writing this post because there is a reason it was meant to be written; I know mine, as the author of this post.

There is a piece of writing that I often refer to, entitled something like “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime”; though my recollection of the title may not be accurate and at the moment I cannot for the life of me think of the author of it, I often think on it and find it online and refer my friends to it.  Not knowing the source right now, I suggest a reader might use their favourite search engine, like google.com or ask.com and just type in Reason, Season, and Lifetime if you are curious enough to read it yourself.  Lest I ramble further during this limited time I have, let me get to the point; the “why” that I often share this with those I care for is because I do care for them which is also the “why” for this post.

I recently asked my daughter to draw me a scenic picture, specifically an autumn picture, which has a personal meaning for me, it is a way of trying to have an actual “physical” picture of a vision I have in my brain.  I would like to hang it in a place of honour in my home, if it is meant to be because it represents a long-time dream goal of mine coming to fruition. 

I have been thinking a lot of seasons and reasons recently.  Autumn has long been a favourite season of mine; I would even have named my daughter Autumn had her name not already been predetermined.  I’ve said frequently over the years, I don’t care for the heat and the intense sunshine of the summer months, nor for the bitter cold and travel limitations the winter months often bring; my seasonal preferences tend to be spring and fall… a kind of “happy medium” or a kind of “moderation in all” mindset.

There are, however, many things that I do love about summer and winter.  With winter here at the moment for me, the busyness of the holiday season is evident all around me.  In my home, I am preparing to have a very modest little Christmas celebration.  It will be very special in ways that are a little too personal to express right here and right now; this Christmas for me, however, is one I know without a doubt I will always remember.  Which in itself is quite telling because for the past several years this “holiday season” has not been anywhere near the top of my list in areas of interest or excitement; this year, I am inspired.  This year there is an undeniable magic in the air that is fairly pulsing in my veins as I try to find the words to share it with you.

The energy however, is not just mine alone to claim; this season does not belong only to me and my family.  My son brought home a school calendar reminding us of the celebrations of other communities around the world.  The missive went on to give a brief outline of Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Eid al Adha, and the birthday of Guru Gobind Singh; not to mention the New Year’s Celebration coming up on January 1, 2007 that will if not “celebrated” in all parts of the world, is at least recognized by most people as a new calendar year.   Recently I’ve been listening to the radio a lot, so I’ve been hearing a lot of seasonal music which reminded me that I might say Felice Navidad to some friends, instead of Merry Christmas or Season’s Greetings.  In a day and age where it is not easy to be “politically” correct in greeting all of our neighbours because we cannot know their personal beliefs, values, and celebrations, I wanted to take a brief moment to wish Gloria and her family, and the entire family of internet friends that might find there way to this post the peace and blessings of this season, no matter how it is that you choose to celebrate it.  I wish you all, believers of any faith, race, religion, denomination, generation, community or values, the joy, love, and goodness that can be found in any day or season that we celebrate life.

I apologize in advance to anyone of any “value system” that I may have offended with the use of any of my words that might for some reason not be conveyed in a manner that shows them the respect that they deserve; my intent here was simply to share the joy I now have in my life and wish the same to anyone who happens to read this post.  So to any writers, readers, internet surfers, or persons with wild minds or brilliant minds who happen to read this post I extend my personal greeting of respect and good will to you, your family and your community; that is my “why for this season”.

I never seriously considered it before but I imagine that if I tried to describe every detail of a picture, I would need much more than a thousand words.  I do tend to be wordy, not only in writing but when I speak also.  My daughter, I say with pride, is a wonderful artist.  Unlike the pictures I draw which are not very evolved; she has the talent to bring a picture to life. 

This past weekend, I was writing a lot.  I didn’t really have a whole lot to say; I was exploring.  I had a concept in my mind, an idea, but no clear picture; I wrote about that.  Late that night, just before bed, I still was not satisfied that I had captured what I wanted to say with words.  So I doodled a bit; something I very rarely do given my limited drawing skills.  My daughter curious, bored, or heading to bed on her own, came into the bedroom and lay down beside me.  I felt a little explanation was needed, since she had now seen my admittedly poor artwork.  I tried to express to her what I wanted; I read her the words I’d written and spoke of a few extra details.  I told her, “I wish I could make pictures like you do”.  Then inspiration struck.  While I may not be very good with drawing, here was my daughter, right here by my side, interested in what I was doing; so I asked her a question.  I asked her to draw a picture.  I left the artsy details completely to her, I simply told her the elements that I needed in it to satisfy my needs.  She said to me, “Mom, I cannot draw that.  It’s all over the place.  There is too much in it and I don’t know how to bring it together.” 

What I did then was I pushed.  I didn’t physically touch her nor did I raise my voice; it wasn’t that kind of pushing.  I didn’t demand that she do the picture or try to make her feel guilty for not wanting to commit to it; after all, the picture was completely my idea.  I pushed her to just listen to me for a couple of minutes, so I could explain myself further.

I spoke to her of possibility.  Certainly she has demonstrated talent over the years; she was even accepted into a space-limited four year long, fine arts program, so the potential I saw in her was truly seen by others also.  I suggested that she had had many opportunities to draw all types of pictures over the years.  She had learned of technique, color, proportion, depth, and styles.  I was confident that she had all the knowledge and tools she needed to produce a picture; even if not mine.  I asked her to consider the possibility of trying to capture something elusive.  I surely didn’t have a clue as to how to draw motion.  I asked her to just think about it.  What kind of picture would she see, would she be able to produce, with the elements and limitations I had outlined.  I asked to think about her vision of it all.

As a result of our conversation, my daughter did begin to think and explore possibilities.  Perhaps she didn’t start out “committed” to the project; perhaps she was just sketching an idea; as I had done with my writing all day.  (I didn’t actually ask her that, I think I might later.)  I did not see her gather her tools, I was not aware of her thought process, though I imagine the idea of pleasing Mom might have been among them.  I do not know if she began in the middle of the page, or at the corners.  I do know that she started with a blank sheet of paper and an idea she was attempting to express.

I now sit here writing this, with a picture of questionable beauty proudly displayed on the wall to the left of me in my living room.   I would need far more than a thousand words to describe it.  It has every single element that I wanted in it.  I simply love it!  I think it is beautiful; a terrific piece of artwork that I know was born of love and possibility.  I’ve been trying to name it; her creation.  Perhaps that’s not for me to do.  To me, it represents wholeness, love, balance, awareness, and beauty.  In the broadest sense of the words, I suppose one might say it is a picture of our universe, for it is that too.  My daughter is not so impressed with the picture, at least that’s what she tells me.  She sees flaws in it.  She sees some of the items in it as not being entirely relevant.  She sees areas of her talent which she feels needs some fine tuning; at least, that is my view on the matter.

My daughter was able to do for me, something that I was unable to do for myself.  She brought my vision to life.  She painted the picture I was trying to create with words.  I suppose that her not thinking the picture is beautiful is a part of her journey, just as I always question the beauty of the words that I write.  I cannot say with any certainty whether she will pursue a career in the fine arts but I do know that because she is an artist; she is able to portray things in a way that some of us can only dream of.  Just as I cannot say I will have a successful career as a writer, I also know there are some stories that can only be told by me.

Questionable beauty; my writing is like that sometimes, I call it trying to capture a moment, with words.

I am more successful with my writing and my life right now.  The process of writing and creating has opened new doors for me.

I am clearer and more definite which is clarifying my writing purpose. 

I am open.  I am open to possibility, I am open to adventure, I am open to all things, and here comes the But (or the definition for me).  I am open to ideas that are positive, respectful, nurturing, and loving. 

I wrote previously about clutter.  I have been clearing the clutter from my house (actual cleaning – yes – ugh, but beauty); I am cleaning the clutter from my writing; I am cleaning the clutter from my body; I am letting go of those things that once had a purpose, but are no longer meeting my needs.  I am clearing clutter to create beauty.

I trust my instrument which is me, Ruth, the writer.  I have faith in me and faith in the world around me.  I am capable of writing well if I am clear of body, mind and soul or spirit.  These three are inter-connected in wholeness of well-being.

I wrote before about fear of posting here, of “publishing”, of contemplating the universe.  For me, publishing on the internet was a representation of trusting the universe to find the balance of it all.  I am finding the balance in my life, in all its aspects, which I believe contributes in some way to the balance of the universe.  I still have more questions than answers.  I am examining the details and the overall picture all at once.  I am finding ways to become accountable to myself, those I love, my writing, and the world at large.  I have discovered my nature as an individual and a writer.  I am doing my best with what I have.  I am content.